You Don't Want to Go There

Picture this... You are a stay at home mom or a working mom with a day off.  You started the day by cleaning up after the dogs, feeding kids breakfast and having just enough time to throw dishes in the sink, maybe you run a few errands (with kids in tow) like the bank, grocery store, maybe a doctor or dentist appt.  You have enough time to get them lunch and you sneak a few bites of your own lunch in.  You try to put a couple of them down for naps because they have been bickering most of the day.  You trip over the toys that somehow magically jump out of the toybox or off shelves because of course "no one" has gotten them out.  ("No one" seems to spend a lot of time at our house and he is almost like our own personal poltergeist.)  There are five piles of laundry to do and by five o'clock you have managed to get two loads done but no clothes are put away because you are in the middle of preparing dinner.  The kitchen is a mess, kids are playing/fighting (sometimes it is hard to tell the difference), you look like the "Wreck of the Hespress" (I don't know who or what Hespress is but my grandmother used that phrase) and your loving husband comes home and says "you didn't get much done today, what happened?"  You bite your tongue, hand him the cooking utensils and go to your room.  Note to husbands everywhere, never say anything close to that!!!

On the same note, a few of us came up with other phrases and/or instances that you never want to put in front of your wife and no woman wants to hear. 

"You look tired, are you feeling alright?"  Generally that question/statement happens on the one day that you have done your hair and put makeup on.  You looked in the mirror and thought "Not bad!".  And then you go out in public and the first person or friend you see makes that comment.  Wow!  Talk about an ego hit!  By the way, I am convinced that there is some conspiracy going on.  I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten dressed to go, makeup and all.  In my bathroom I look great.  I get in the car and notice I need a few touchups and then I actually arrive publicly and I look like "death warmed over".  (another phrase from my youth)

"When are you due?"  This question is okay when you are actually pregnant.  A lot of times, however the question is posed after you have already had the baby!  

"Are you sure you are not further along?" or "Are you sure you aren't carrying twins?" or "You are huge!"  Any of these can be and have been added to the general pregnancy question above.  No one who is pregnant wants to hear any of these questions and/or comments.  Especially in the last trimester when you already feel like a beached whale!

"Won't it by nice when you can afford to buy your gifts?"  I got that one after I had actually spent more money purchasing supplies and hours handcrafting Christmas gifts that I thought were very special and more meaningful because I made them myself!

"I won't be dusting, you have too many things!"  That is one I heard when I actually gave in and tried using a cleaning lady.  She came to my house and brought her infant with her.  She usually left early and before work was done because he was fussing.  She informed me that cleaning would be limited because I had too many things on shelves.   So exactly what was she doing to help me?  Not much.

In all fairness, ladies prepare yourselves for anything when you ask your husband if you look fat in this outfit or if the outfit looks okay.  If you have any awareness of your surroundings you will notice an instantaneous "deer in headlights" look on your husband's face.  There is no right answer to that one, but do take note of the answer you get.  Let me know what it was, that could be a whole new blog to write!!!

"Calm down!"  As a final note, this might be the worst two words to say to ANY woman!.  Have you ever actually seen a woman calm down when told to?!  The reaction is usually the opposite and the tension skyrockets!  Ladies, don't you agree that it would be more helpful to hear "Let me have it!  Vent away and get it all out of your system!"  I don't think I have ever heard that!

It has taken me a long time and I must admit that I have not perfected the art, but I try to breath and say a quick prayer when a phrase comes at me that pushes my buttons!  I am certain I have accidentally dropped a thoughtless sentence on occasion.  Hopefully my awareness of the Faux pas is heightened.  Try to be forgiving of the world, even when it is not very kind to you!  Have a great end to your week and a blessed weekend!